Retain It.

Have you ever felt so lost in the world?
Like you just go day by day, just trying to find who you really are?
But everything is already laid out for you.
People already "know" who you are,
they've defined you.
categorized you into your own little box,
covered the top and labeled it with your name.
Your name.
Not theirs.
You can try to break free,
but is the struggle worth it?
It is worth everyone worrying.
Trying to force you back into that box.
The box with no windows,
and no room to breathe?
Is it worth the scathing comments?
Words never meant to leave the mind.

Because you're too young to really know who really are.
Too young to make choices.
Too little.
Minuscule,
insignificant,
worthless.

It's so easy isn't it?
So easy to tear yourself down,
to throw yourself on the floor,
and just lay there.
Swimming in self-pity and regret.

You're not sure what to say, do, or feel.
You just know that these feelings,
scare the hell out of you.
And if you don't release them soon,
they'll eat you from the inside out.
Then nothing will be left except old apologies, and new fears.

So to break the box or retain it.
To lose the label or keep it.
Let your feelings devour you,
or let them go.
Just whatever you do,
don't look back.

When It's All Said and Done

You pull me close ,
and hold me tight.
I feel like everything will be alright.
You shift your feet,
we start to dance.
I think I'll give love a second chance.

I love you,
can't you see?
This is how love feels to me.

You lean in and kiss me sweet.
Whisper things soft and discrete.
My heart is pounding,
my love for you resounding as I say:

I love you,
can't you see?
This is what love means to me.

Your hands slide.
Our lips collide.
Something doesn't feel quite right.

I love you,
can't you see?
But what is love supposed to be?

Is it your hands on my thighs
as my soul silently cries
against your moaning sighs?
As if I'm just some sort of prize?
My joy slowly dies
as I tire from my tries
to keep your body at bay.

I love you,
Why don't you see?
What have you done to me?

When it's all said and done
and you've had all your fun
all I want to do is run
but instead,
you jump the gun.
"I'm sorry."
You say.
With so much regret.
But really,
how am I supposed to forget?
The way that you touched me
and moaned my name
the way I look at you will never be the same.
As I open my mouth
Words start to fall
"I forgive you" I say,
and that was all.

I loved you,
why couldn't I see?
That our love was never meant to be.

Bound by You

I finally did it.
I stood my ground.
You were controlling,
you were pushing me around.
You messed with my feelings.
But now,
I'm no longer bound.

A Well Deserved Reply

We're never going to be the same.
Never.
Okay?
We are never, ever, going to be how we used to be.

Stop tempting me!
Do you know how much I wish it were true?
That I could have my best friend back?

You want to talk?
I gave you that chance months ago.

You're sorry?
Why didn't you say that when it happened?

You've been thinking of me?
Huh.
When you think of me,
do you cry?
Like I do, every time I think about you?

When you see me,
do you cringe?
And think about all the horrible things you've done?

When you hear my name,
do you even care?

Why is it now, you're coming back to me?
Do you expect to be fully forgiven?
Well don't.
What you did, I don't know if I'll ever forgive.
But a least don't expect it now.

How can I trust you?
You broke every promise you made to me.
You told me not to worry, because you would always be my best friend.

But what is always to you?
Is it kicking me to the curb?
Kicking me while I'm down?
And kicking me out of your life?

So now you want to talk to me.
You want me, to spend my time on you.
you want me, to give you a piece of my mind.
Well you can have it.

How could you
leave me,
talk to me,
and treat me like that?

Do you know how much it hurt me
mentally
physically
and emotionally?

That's right,
You don't know.
Because you left me for months.
You don't know.
How the first time I saw you, after it had all happened.
How I hurt myself.
And now a scar is all I have to remember you by.
Is that how you want to be remembered?
Not for all the joy you used to bring me,
but for the pain you washed it out with?

You are a
lying,
tempting,
hurtful,
oblivious,
ungrateful...

I'm sorry..
I've had these feelings bottled up for a while now.
I just wasn't strong enough to say them before.
Four months is a long time.
I've changed.
I've learned a lot.
I've got a job now,
friends who care,
and mentally, I'm doing really well.
But you don't need to know that.
You don't deserve to know that.

You don't even deserve my time.
So the last words I'll leave you with,
are
"Good Bye"

The Wrath Of An Illness

Where had her life gone?

How was it spent?

Had she lived to the fullest,

said what she meant?

She’s a whole different person,

than the person she once knew.

She’s changed, she’s distinct.

She’s totally brand new.

She’s gone though some troubles.

Some worries,

some blues,

Please,

For a moment,

Take a walk in her shoes.

A girl, not much different than anyone else.

Except for the fact,

that she needed some help.

She would lay in bed,

covers over her head.

Music blasting,

tears ever lasting,

staining her face.

She tried to hide from her pain,

as her eyes would drain,

The music colliding with her thoughts

Another scene

prim and clean.

The home of nurses,

and now that girl of sixteen.

She had done it.

Blown a fuse,

her parents were worried

and she couldn't refuse.

an ER display,

to her dismay,

was how she spent the night.

After needles and blood

her tears started to flood,

as her parents had to go.

She sat on her windowsill

looking up at the sky.

Asking the dear Lord,

“why?”

She couldn’t be herself there.

Which put her on the edge.

and after trouble with her doctor,

she was even closer to the ledge.

But one nurse made a difference,

with a smile she expressed,

“I see you getting out of here,

making difference.

It doesn’t matter that your depressed.”

So after a week in a hospital,

seven days to renew.

She found herself again.

But now, she’d have to follow through.

Her parents were thankful

and glad to have her back.

On new medication,

there was only one thing she lacked.

And that was to remember that her illness is not her.

She is just a person.

who has gone through a lot more.

So she lives her life to the fullest.

Spends it with friends.

She says only what she means,

And that is where this story ends.

Terrorizing My Soul

Trying to focus

for me, is tough.

Because my brain doesn't know when enough is enough.

If you could look inside my head

I'm sure you'd stop and stare.

there are some freaky things

deep inside of there.

Things from the past.

come to haunt me

they terrorize my soul

My First Love

It never was sweet with you,

was it?

Never what I wanted it to be.

I was so blind,

so unaware.

I thought it was love.

But for you it was only lust.

Never a sweet kiss,

never a simple embrace.

Your words,

a blindfold over my eyes.

Trusting words,

words originated to build up,

never to tear down.

Phrases like

“I love you.”

“It’s okay.”

and

“Forever.”

You lassoed me close.

And I didn’t struggle.

I was your puppet,

tied together by my fragile heartstrings.

You played along with me for a while,

but then you got bored.

So you snapped the strings.

And walked away.

Leaving me alone

hurt,

and without a friend.

And what hurt the most,

as I laid there in pain.

Was that you never gave a backwards glance.

You just walked away.

Months I lived with the pain,

my tears my only friend.

Until the day I realized,

I don’t need you.

What I do need is self assurance.

To build up my core.

To stand on my own two feet

and to find friends who care.

So I guess you could say I’m over you 

and let me make this clear.

I can stand on my own now. 

So I have nothing to fear.