To my Readers

This is a letter to all my readers. How ever many that my be.
To some, I haven't written in a while.
To others, I have burdened them with the power in my words.
But just in case you were wondering,
or in case you need something to read.
I'm doing okay.

I'm still going through troubles.
And some are quite hard.
Some I don't know how to get through.
Others,
I just don't want to get through.
It's just too hard.
Too painful,
and a lot to take.

But I'm going to get through.
Because the things in this world.
Are so worth it.
I am worth it.

I have people that love me
and I love them,
with all my heart.
They make me smile.
Real, Zoei smiles.

They make me feel important.
loved,
secure,
safe,
and so much more.

I'm a tad weepy.
A little bit sorrowful.
But with every tear that falls, I remember how much I've gone through.
What I've overcome.
What I'm capable of.

With every hot drop that rolls down my cheek.
I remember crying nights on end,
to no end.

I recall feeling in love.
Head over heals love.
Love that healed all my wounds,
just to be torn open
and to bleed again.
For a long time.

I bring up memories of making fake love.
Trying to force love.
But you can't force love.
That's silly.

But I'm a silly girl.
I make mistakes,
I blunder on.

So here's to more mistakes,
to more sorrow,
and more joy.
To reminding my self that I'm much more than my minds play toy.

Thank you...So much...

Zoei

Okay

You can't escape.
Your heart is pounding.
It wants to leap out of your throat.
Your sweating,
crying.
eyes and nose streaming.
All your loved ones can do is look at you and stare because they're so frightened themselves.
The way your acting is horrible.
You feel as if your on fire,
inside a glass box.
Your trapped.
You pound on the glass.
Screaming,
running your fingernails down the pane
Just keep screaming.
The pain will go away.
Just keep screaming.
Fear can't last forever.

But now you're yelling.
Yes, there's a difference.
You're yelling because it's all their fault.
Not yours.
The idiocy of that person results in pain instilled in you.
So you yell.
You yell that you hate them.
Because internally, you do.
But mentally,
you still think that over.

Now you just cry.
Your throat to sore to scream, or yell.
Crying releases thoughts never meant to leave the brain,
but need to, because thoughts are never meant to stay in the mind for long.

You finally stop.
Stretched out like a limp rubber band.
To tired to sleep
to walk
to talk
to cry
to yell
to scream.
So you just lay in bed and hope that everything will be okay.

That Feeling

You know that feeling the split second before you fall?
That moment of pure terror.
Because you don't quite know what's going on,
what's going to happen,
or how it's going to end.

You know that feeling when your heart aches?
When barbed wire wraps itself around your heart
squeezes,
and doesn't let go?

Do you know that feeling, when you know something bad is going to happen.
But you can't stop it?
With every fiber in you, you try to make it better,
but nothing happens.
There's nothing you can do.

Now imagine this,
all that fear,
pain,
and helplessness
crumpled up into one big ball of never ending insanity.

It's not fun.
It's not pleasant.
And no, I can not "just get over it."

This is what I feel every time I get scared,
see his face,
her face,
or disappoint someone.  

But that's okay.
People say,
it's just fear.

When It's All Said and Done

You pull me close ,
and hold me tight.
I feel like everything will be alright.
You shift your feet,
we start to dance.
I think I'll give love a second chance.

I love you,
can't you see?
This is how love feels to me.

You lean in and kiss me sweet.
Whisper things soft and discrete.
My heart is pounding,
my love for you resounding as I say:

I love you,
can't you see?
This is what love means to me.

Your hands slide.
Our lips collide.
Something doesn't feel quite right.

I love you,
can't you see?
But what is love supposed to be?

Is it your hands on my thighs
as my soul silently cries
against your moaning sighs?
As if I'm just some sort of prize?
My joy slowly dies
as I tire from my tries
to keep your body at bay.

I love you,
Why don't you see?
What have you done to me?

When it's all said and done
and you've had all your fun
all I want to do is run
but instead,
you jump the gun.
"I'm sorry."
You say.
With so much regret.
But really,
how am I supposed to forget?
The way that you touched me
and moaned my name
the way I look at you will never be the same.
As I open my mouth
Words start to fall
"I forgive you" I say,
and that was all.

I loved you,
why couldn't I see?
That our love was never meant to be.

A Well Deserved Reply

We're never going to be the same.
Never.
Okay?
We are never, ever, going to be how we used to be.

Stop tempting me!
Do you know how much I wish it were true?
That I could have my best friend back?

You want to talk?
I gave you that chance months ago.

You're sorry?
Why didn't you say that when it happened?

You've been thinking of me?
Huh.
When you think of me,
do you cry?
Like I do, every time I think about you?

When you see me,
do you cringe?
And think about all the horrible things you've done?

When you hear my name,
do you even care?

Why is it now, you're coming back to me?
Do you expect to be fully forgiven?
Well don't.
What you did, I don't know if I'll ever forgive.
But a least don't expect it now.

How can I trust you?
You broke every promise you made to me.
You told me not to worry, because you would always be my best friend.

But what is always to you?
Is it kicking me to the curb?
Kicking me while I'm down?
And kicking me out of your life?

So now you want to talk to me.
You want me, to spend my time on you.
you want me, to give you a piece of my mind.
Well you can have it.

How could you
leave me,
talk to me,
and treat me like that?

Do you know how much it hurt me
mentally
physically
and emotionally?

That's right,
You don't know.
Because you left me for months.
You don't know.
How the first time I saw you, after it had all happened.
How I hurt myself.
And now a scar is all I have to remember you by.
Is that how you want to be remembered?
Not for all the joy you used to bring me,
but for the pain you washed it out with?

You are a
lying,
tempting,
hurtful,
oblivious,
ungrateful...

I'm sorry..
I've had these feelings bottled up for a while now.
I just wasn't strong enough to say them before.
Four months is a long time.
I've changed.
I've learned a lot.
I've got a job now,
friends who care,
and mentally, I'm doing really well.
But you don't need to know that.
You don't deserve to know that.

You don't even deserve my time.
So the last words I'll leave you with,
are
"Good Bye"

Terrorizing My Soul

Trying to focus

for me, is tough.

Because my brain doesn't know when enough is enough.

If you could look inside my head

I'm sure you'd stop and stare.

there are some freaky things

deep inside of there.

Things from the past.

come to haunt me

they terrorize my soul

My First Love

It never was sweet with you,

was it?

Never what I wanted it to be.

I was so blind,

so unaware.

I thought it was love.

But for you it was only lust.

Never a sweet kiss,

never a simple embrace.

Your words,

a blindfold over my eyes.

Trusting words,

words originated to build up,

never to tear down.

Phrases like

“I love you.”

“It’s okay.”

and

“Forever.”

You lassoed me close.

And I didn’t struggle.

I was your puppet,

tied together by my fragile heartstrings.

You played along with me for a while,

but then you got bored.

So you snapped the strings.

And walked away.

Leaving me alone

hurt,

and without a friend.

And what hurt the most,

as I laid there in pain.

Was that you never gave a backwards glance.

You just walked away.

Months I lived with the pain,

my tears my only friend.

Until the day I realized,

I don’t need you.

What I do need is self assurance.

To build up my core.

To stand on my own two feet

and to find friends who care.

So I guess you could say I’m over you 

and let me make this clear.

I can stand on my own now. 

So I have nothing to fear.

I've Been There

When I tell you I'm different,
I don't want your pity.
When I tell you my feelings,
I promise, it won't be pretty.

But you're surprised anyway,
or you don't even care.
Yes, I know.
Believe me, I've been there.

When I tell you I'm different
please, at least, react.
I know you don't want to be friends anymore,
your face only shows fact.

When I tell you my feelings.
It's okay,
I won't fall apart.
I'm just sending out emotion,
straight from my heart.

So you're still in shock,
or you don't even care.
Please don't go away,
believe me,
I've been there.

Someday

How long will this last?
This subsiding love.
How I can't hold on to a relationship
when push comes to shove?

I know he wasn't right.
The love wasn't true.
But something inside me
is feeling so blue.

I want to cry.
I want my tears to wash away my pain.
My heart it aches,
trying to heal from it's last sprain.

I know there's someone out there
waiting for me.
I know they'll be kind
you just wait and see.

They'll be caring,
considerate,
charming,
and calm.
There will be someone
to keep me out of harm.

We'll love each other fully
with nothing in the way.
That is what I'm hoping for,
someday.

Used To

The ultimate feeling of loneliness.
Proceeds to apply when the emptiness of your soul
echos with the helpless cries of your heart.

When you realize old connections are lost,
and new ones just aren't quite making the cut.

All you want is your best friend back.
Not necessarily the person them self,
but just the friendship you used to have.

New Love

Heartache is as fickle as the weather.

Some days it leaves you alone,

While other days it leaves you tethered 

to your oh so fragile heartstrings.

It creeps up and boils behind your eyes,

lingers in your soul,

and says no good bye's 

till you're strong enough to push it away.

But until then it'll haunt you. 

Strike when you're not expecting,

My dear, it will keep infecting.

You just need to let it go.

There are so many things in this life

you can use to put it out,

with heartache sprouts new love 

and there is no doubt

that this new love will be different.

But it'll treat you right.

You don't need to be frightened,

and you won't need to fight. 

Just be careful

and treat your heart with care.

This time it will all work out.

This to you, I swear. 

My Illness

My illness is not an illness.
My illness is me.
My illness is a silly something
most people do not see.

It hides behind my eyes,
lingers in my head.
It likes to pester me all day long.
But I pester it instead.

I don't hide myself from people.
when it calls me to my room.
I always fill my life with love.
When it beckons me to doom.

I drown it out with water
and a pill or two.
I also occupy my life
With various things to do.

I release my emotion through art work.
Through a painting or through verse.
If I neglect to do these things
my illness will get worse.

But I don't call it an illness
I think it's something more
It is part of my personality
and it has lots of things in store.

Plip Plop

Plip plop
Drip drop

Listen to your tears.

Splish splash
A burning stash

Is hiding in your eyes.

Blink wink
you’ve turned on the sink.

Now let your secrets flow.

Plip plop
Drip drop

Let yourself know.

There’s nothing wrong with crying. 
No one is prying.
Just listen to your tears. 

Don't Shout

Ouch.
This hurts. 
Make it stop.

My heart is so heavy.
I think it might pop.

Every word, a bullet.
Shot to my chest.

I feel like a prisoner,
under arrest.

I breathe in.
I breathe out. 

There’s no point in screaming.
No point to shout. 

Just breathe in.
Just breathe out. 

Panic Attack

Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
This is what goes through my head. 
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
It doesn’t stop. Wish it was dead. 
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
I saw your face.
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
My heart started to race.  
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.My head started to pound.
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Get me out of this place. 

July 25, 2011

As I try and lull myself to sleep, I lay in fear. Fear of my dreams.They are fantasies

that tease and torture my beaten and bruised heart.

I can’t stop them. I can’t stop the visions of us being together again. 

Or the phantasms of me, yelling and screaming at you. Reciting the long list of pain my heart has experienced. 

But at the same time. I like them, need them, want them. 

Because no matter how heartbroken I am. I still miss my lost friend. I still want to see you. Hug you, and just be with you. 

And these dreams give me that unreal feeling, 

that you’re here,

and that you want me. 

July 24, 2011

I think I’m finally starting to heal. 

My heart still aches. 

Because I’ve lost someone dear. 

But I’ve sopped crying. 

Stopped waiting. 

I know you won’t come after me. 

Because that’s just the kind of person you are. 

But it still hurts to think,

that you would sink so low as to only say “I’m sorry” 

once. 

When I made you say it. 

A Safe Place?

I should never want to sleep again. My 

dreams

cause me so much pain. I

should 

want to stay way from my bed. It’s warm appearance of loving shelter lures me in. But because of all the agony I receive from these fantasies. It will now  

be

a place of suffering. But at the same time, I long for these dreams. Or nightmares of sorts. Because they bring me to you, and my heart aches for you

a 

misery that wants what it should not have. How can I stay

safe 

when I love you so much? When will I finally learn to keep my heart in a safe

place?