To my Readers

This is a letter to all my readers. How ever many that my be.
To some, I haven't written in a while.
To others, I have burdened them with the power in my words.
But just in case you were wondering,
or in case you need something to read.
I'm doing okay.

I'm still going through troubles.
And some are quite hard.
Some I don't know how to get through.
Others,
I just don't want to get through.
It's just too hard.
Too painful,
and a lot to take.

But I'm going to get through.
Because the things in this world.
Are so worth it.
I am worth it.

I have people that love me
and I love them,
with all my heart.
They make me smile.
Real, Zoei smiles.

They make me feel important.
loved,
secure,
safe,
and so much more.

I'm a tad weepy.
A little bit sorrowful.
But with every tear that falls, I remember how much I've gone through.
What I've overcome.
What I'm capable of.

With every hot drop that rolls down my cheek.
I remember crying nights on end,
to no end.

I recall feeling in love.
Head over heals love.
Love that healed all my wounds,
just to be torn open
and to bleed again.
For a long time.

I bring up memories of making fake love.
Trying to force love.
But you can't force love.
That's silly.

But I'm a silly girl.
I make mistakes,
I blunder on.

So here's to more mistakes,
to more sorrow,
and more joy.
To reminding my self that I'm much more than my minds play toy.

Thank you...So much...

Zoei

Okay

You can't escape.
Your heart is pounding.
It wants to leap out of your throat.
Your sweating,
crying.
eyes and nose streaming.
All your loved ones can do is look at you and stare because they're so frightened themselves.
The way your acting is horrible.
You feel as if your on fire,
inside a glass box.
Your trapped.
You pound on the glass.
Screaming,
running your fingernails down the pane
Just keep screaming.
The pain will go away.
Just keep screaming.
Fear can't last forever.

But now you're yelling.
Yes, there's a difference.
You're yelling because it's all their fault.
Not yours.
The idiocy of that person results in pain instilled in you.
So you yell.
You yell that you hate them.
Because internally, you do.
But mentally,
you still think that over.

Now you just cry.
Your throat to sore to scream, or yell.
Crying releases thoughts never meant to leave the brain,
but need to, because thoughts are never meant to stay in the mind for long.

You finally stop.
Stretched out like a limp rubber band.
To tired to sleep
to walk
to talk
to cry
to yell
to scream.
So you just lay in bed and hope that everything will be okay.

That Feeling

You know that feeling the split second before you fall?
That moment of pure terror.
Because you don't quite know what's going on,
what's going to happen,
or how it's going to end.

You know that feeling when your heart aches?
When barbed wire wraps itself around your heart
squeezes,
and doesn't let go?

Do you know that feeling, when you know something bad is going to happen.
But you can't stop it?
With every fiber in you, you try to make it better,
but nothing happens.
There's nothing you can do.

Now imagine this,
all that fear,
pain,
and helplessness
crumpled up into one big ball of never ending insanity.

It's not fun.
It's not pleasant.
And no, I can not "just get over it."

This is what I feel every time I get scared,
see his face,
her face,
or disappoint someone.  

But that's okay.
People say,
it's just fear.

Retain It.

Have you ever felt so lost in the world?
Like you just go day by day, just trying to find who you really are?
But everything is already laid out for you.
People already "know" who you are,
they've defined you.
categorized you into your own little box,
covered the top and labeled it with your name.
Your name.
Not theirs.
You can try to break free,
but is the struggle worth it?
It is worth everyone worrying.
Trying to force you back into that box.
The box with no windows,
and no room to breathe?
Is it worth the scathing comments?
Words never meant to leave the mind.

Because you're too young to really know who really are.
Too young to make choices.
Too little.
Minuscule,
insignificant,
worthless.

It's so easy isn't it?
So easy to tear yourself down,
to throw yourself on the floor,
and just lay there.
Swimming in self-pity and regret.

You're not sure what to say, do, or feel.
You just know that these feelings,
scare the hell out of you.
And if you don't release them soon,
they'll eat you from the inside out.
Then nothing will be left except old apologies, and new fears.

So to break the box or retain it.
To lose the label or keep it.
Let your feelings devour you,
or let them go.
Just whatever you do,
don't look back.

When It's All Said and Done

You pull me close ,
and hold me tight.
I feel like everything will be alright.
You shift your feet,
we start to dance.
I think I'll give love a second chance.

I love you,
can't you see?
This is how love feels to me.

You lean in and kiss me sweet.
Whisper things soft and discrete.
My heart is pounding,
my love for you resounding as I say:

I love you,
can't you see?
This is what love means to me.

Your hands slide.
Our lips collide.
Something doesn't feel quite right.

I love you,
can't you see?
But what is love supposed to be?

Is it your hands on my thighs
as my soul silently cries
against your moaning sighs?
As if I'm just some sort of prize?
My joy slowly dies
as I tire from my tries
to keep your body at bay.

I love you,
Why don't you see?
What have you done to me?

When it's all said and done
and you've had all your fun
all I want to do is run
but instead,
you jump the gun.
"I'm sorry."
You say.
With so much regret.
But really,
how am I supposed to forget?
The way that you touched me
and moaned my name
the way I look at you will never be the same.
As I open my mouth
Words start to fall
"I forgive you" I say,
and that was all.

I loved you,
why couldn't I see?
That our love was never meant to be.

Terrorizing My Soul

Trying to focus

for me, is tough.

Because my brain doesn't know when enough is enough.

If you could look inside my head

I'm sure you'd stop and stare.

there are some freaky things

deep inside of there.

Things from the past.

come to haunt me

they terrorize my soul

I've Been There

When I tell you I'm different,
I don't want your pity.
When I tell you my feelings,
I promise, it won't be pretty.

But you're surprised anyway,
or you don't even care.
Yes, I know.
Believe me, I've been there.

When I tell you I'm different
please, at least, react.
I know you don't want to be friends anymore,
your face only shows fact.

When I tell you my feelings.
It's okay,
I won't fall apart.
I'm just sending out emotion,
straight from my heart.

So you're still in shock,
or you don't even care.
Please don't go away,
believe me,
I've been there.

Used To

The ultimate feeling of loneliness.
Proceeds to apply when the emptiness of your soul
echos with the helpless cries of your heart.

When you realize old connections are lost,
and new ones just aren't quite making the cut.

All you want is your best friend back.
Not necessarily the person them self,
but just the friendship you used to have.

My Illness

My illness is not an illness.
My illness is me.
My illness is a silly something
most people do not see.

It hides behind my eyes,
lingers in my head.
It likes to pester me all day long.
But I pester it instead.

I don't hide myself from people.
when it calls me to my room.
I always fill my life with love.
When it beckons me to doom.

I drown it out with water
and a pill or two.
I also occupy my life
With various things to do.

I release my emotion through art work.
Through a painting or through verse.
If I neglect to do these things
my illness will get worse.

But I don't call it an illness
I think it's something more
It is part of my personality
and it has lots of things in store.

Little Ears

Waiting,
Listening.
Like a small child 'round the corner.

Sneaking,
Eavesdropping.
Secrets not meant for your ears.

Waiting,
Wanting.
To know more than you should.

Sneaking,
Shocked.
You've been caught.

Don't Shout

Ouch.
This hurts. 
Make it stop.

My heart is so heavy.
I think it might pop.

Every word, a bullet.
Shot to my chest.

I feel like a prisoner,
under arrest.

I breathe in.
I breathe out. 

There’s no point in screaming.
No point to shout. 

Just breathe in.
Just breathe out. 

Panic Attack

Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
This is what goes through my head. 
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
It doesn’t stop. Wish it was dead. 
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
I saw your face.
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.
My heart started to race.  
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.My head started to pound.
Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Panic Attack.Get me out of this place. 

July 26, 2011

I think I’m finally better. 

Finally secure.

Finally calm.

I’m thinking about myself now.

Thinking about how you treated me.

And how it was wrong. 

How my life was clouded with you. 

But now it’s crystal clear. 

I can live my life. 

without being suffocated by your fear.